The Funny Farm and the Prisoner of Azkaban
by Schmo and Sushi
Summary: COMPLETE! Sequel, FUNNY FARM & THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS. The Funny Farm is back for their 3rd year! Dean and Rachel are going out, but Hannah and Seamus aren't happy about it. And someone's after Harry! What are they going to do? DeanOC, implied SeamusOC
1. The Leaky Cauldron

**Full summary:**

The Funny Farm, with their two newest members, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, are starting their third year at Hogwarts. Rachel and Dean have some potential romantic interest in each other, but Seamus and Hannah aren't happy about it. Haley and Oliver are even more in love than before, and Katelyn and Tanya are just trying to ride out the storms. New couples, new teachers, new conflicts, and, of course, a sampling of the teenage angst to come!

**And now for the story.**

Letter transcript: Katelyn Barcanic, Rachel Hekman, and Hannah Schreiter to Harry Potter. Received August 1.

Dear Harry,

_**Happy Thirteenth Birthday!**_

Happy birthday to you

You live in a zoo

You look like a monkey

And you smell like one, too.

Just kidding. We figured this really applied to you, though, because the Dursleys sound like real animals. Anyway, we'll give you your present at school, since none of our owls would survive the trip.

Yours truly,

_Rachel_

_Katelyn _

Hannah 

_Letter transcript: Rachel Hekman to Seamus Finnigan. Received August 4._

Dear Seamus,

Hi! I don't have a lot of time, so I'll make this short—which, knowing me, won't _be_ very short. Anyway, Hannah, Katelyn, and I are taking a Portkey to Diagon Alley on August 30. Maybe you and Dean could meet us there! Well, even if you can't, I can't _wait_ to see you both again. Send a reply immediately!

Love,

Sushi (in case you've forgotten, I'm Rachel)

_Letter transcript: Seamus Finnigan to Rachel Hekman. Received August 15,_

Dear Rachel (who I haven't forgotten is called Sushi),

Shouldn't that be _whom_? Anyway. Count me and Dean in. We'll be staying at the Leaky Cauldron for a couple of days. See you there, then.

Yours,

Seamus (who as of yet needs a nickname)

--------------------------

Rachel Hekman unfolded the Daily Prophet with a snap, nearly scaring her mother. into driving off the road. "Sirius Black," she read aloud. "Hmm."

"Sirius Black?" Mrs. Hekman asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"He escaped from a London prison earlier this week."

"Oh, yeah…oh, dear! Azkaban…"

"Azkaban?"

"The wizard prison, Mommy. Our gamekeeper had to go there last year because—er, I mean, someone falsely accused him of something. He's been cleared. Anyway, men go _mad_ in that jail. This dude escaped!"

A speeding black SUV swerved in front of the Hekmans' car, and Mrs. Hekman had to jam on the brakes. "Well, I'll sleep in peace knowing that we're safe in our beds and you'll be the first on his list."

"Hardee-har-har. Seriously, Mommy, it says here: 'Black, possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress, is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today.'"

'What did he do?"

"You…have to ask _me_ that? Oh, that's rich."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Rachel, still grinning, turned the page. "Apparently, thirteen years ago, he murdered thirteen people with a single curse. He was a big supporter of You-Know-Who."

"No, I don't."

"V…_Voldemort_. Think Al Capone gone international, times ten."

There was silence for a while as Mrs. Hekman turned into the forest preserve where Rachel and the others would take a Portkey to London. "Hi, guys," Rachel shouted, getting out of the car.

"Hey, Sushi," Katelyn Barcanic cried, waving from where she was talking with sisters Haley and Hannah Schreiter.

"Hola, mi chica!" Haley, a seventh year, cried. She bounded over, her light brown hair bobbing up and down.

"Hola, Haley," Rachel replied. "Even though I never understood the logic behind that. You're German."

"Among other things," Hannah chimed in. "Hi!"

"Hiya, Schmurf," Rachel grinned, patting her friend on the back. "I see you still haven't grown."

"I see you haven't, either. It's only been two months." Hannah flipped her dark brown hair over her shoulder and smiled.

"It's Rachel!"

"Hey, Tanya, how was your summer?"

"Great!" The blonde sprang to Rachel's side and produced a slick portable DVD player. "I brought it!"

Katelyn grinned wickedly. "Seamus and Dean are going to watch Monty Python whether they like it or not."

Mrs. Hekman looked at her watch. "Are we ready to go?"

Hannah nodded. "Sarah and Shelby went to find the Portkey. Ah, here they come."

Sarah Carter emerged from the trees, carrying an old metal can with a pair of tongs, Shelby Root tagging along behind. "Okay, everyone, get your things and gather round."

The girls each hugged their respective family members, promised to write and be good, and got their stuff and put a finger on the can. "Five…four…three…two…one…"

Rachel felt a jerking in her stomach, and suddenly they were standing outside the Leaky Cauldron in London, where, incidentally, it was pouring rain. The owls hooted indignantly as their owners lugged inside the inn.

"Oh, I know, Romulus," Rachel cooed, unlatching his cage so he could climb up on her arm. "I don't like it either." The great tawny owl shook water all over his mistress in reply. "You naughty little bird, you…oh, hello, Tom."

The innkeeper had come up to take their baggage. "Morning, little misses. Have a nice holiday?"

"Of course," Katelyn said.

Romulus suddenly gave a whistle and took off flying across the room, landing on the shoulder of a tall wizard in the corner. "Oy," said the wizard, "can't you take better care of your animals, woman?"

"That was uncalled for, miste—Seamus!"

The wizard turned and grinned. "Fooled ya, Hekman."

"You big, awful, brute, you," Rachel said with a smile, hugging Seamus Finnigan around the neck. Romulus swayed and clicked his beak indignantly.

"Nice to see you, too."

Rachel grinned at him. "You're still not any taller than I am. Ha. But your voice broke over the summer!"

His ears turned red. "Really? I hadn't noticed."

Rachel ignored his sarcasm and held her arm out for her owl to get onto. "I'm just trying to make the best of the pre-jet lag exhilaration, that's all. Come on; I want you to meet my mom."

"Er…okay."

"Great." Rachel seized the sleeve of Seamus' Muggle polo shirt and pulled him over to the rest of the group. Dean Thomas was already in their midst, conversing animatedly with Hannah.

"Mom—Mommy…"

"What?"

"This is Seamus Finnigan. Seamus, this is my mom."

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am," Seamus said, shaking Mrs. Hekman's hand.

"Sure, Seamus. So…how do you know my daughter?"

Rachel sensed dangerous waters ahead, and her trepidations were well founded when Seamus said, "She's in my House. We're friends."

"Your _house_?"

"Mommy," Rachel said hurriedly, "there are four Houses at Hogwarts. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. They're just systems of classification, you know? I've explained this to you before. Seamus is in Gryffindor with me and Katelyn and Hannah and Tanya—and Dean."

Mrs. Hekman raised her eyebrows and gave a slight nod. "All right, then. Are you all ready to get your supplies?"

"Oh," Seamus said, "let me get me mam. She's got the wizard money."

He scampered off, but was back in a moment with a sandy-haired woman who was clearly his mother. She looked a lot like her son, but in a feminine, motherly way. "Hello, you all," she said pleasantly. "I've heard so much about you, I hope you don't mind that I feel like I know you already."

Everyone immediately decided then and there that they liked Mrs. Finnigan.

"I'm Katelyn," the brunette gushed. "Katelyn Barcanic."

"Hello, Katelyn. I must say, I love your shirt."

Katelyn straightened her scarlet Hogwarts t-shirt and beamed.

"I'm Hannah Schreiter."

"Of course, love. Seamus said you have very bright blue eyes."

Seamus' whole face turned red at this, but Mrs. Finnigan was unfazed.

"I'm Tanya Rogers."

"Ah, yes. You're Russian, if I remember correctly? Yes, you have the pretty blonde hair."

"I'm Sarah Carter."

"Hello," Mrs. Finnigan said, sounding slightly puzzled.

Sarah smiled. "Shelby here and I aren't in Gryffindor. We're losers."

"Of course you're not, loves!" Mrs. Finnigan was shocked. "No one is."

"Mam," Seamus began, sounding embarrassed.

"Hold your horses, Shay, love. I haven't met Rachel here yet."

"Hang on—you know my name?"

"Aye. Process of elimination, love—plus, Seamus said you were tall."

"Obviously not from her, though," Rachel grinned, pointing at her rather short mother.

"I'm Sharon Hekman, Rachel's mom," Mrs. Hekman said.

"Pleasure," Mrs. Finnigan replied, shaking Mrs. Hekman's extended hand. "I'm Moira Finnigan."

"Mam, can we _please_ go and get our stuff?"

"Of course, love." Mrs. Finnigan fished around in her purse and drew out three gold Galleons. "This should be plenty for your supplies."

Seamus gave an exasperated look at his friends as if to apologize for his mother. No one minded.

"I'd be plenty happy to take them around to the shops, Sharon, if you'd like to have a lie-in," Mrs. Finnigan said.

"Well, actually, I was hoping to have some quality time with Peanut here," Mrs. Hekman said with a grin, giving Rachel a one-armed hug.

"Mommy!"

Mrs. Finnigan laughed. "Of course."

"You're welcome to come along, though."

"I'll take you up on that offer."

Try as they might, the Funny Farm could not shake the two mothers off their tails. "Not that we want to," Hannah said, "but it's annoying."

"It _is_. I'm happy, though, that my mom is taking this so well. I mean, she's never been here before…"

"They're having fun," Seamus noted as another peal of laughter came from the above-mentioned parents.

"Almost _too_ much."

"Well, whatever. Hang on." Rachel stopped outside of Quality Quidditch Supplies. "Look at that _Firebolt_! Holy crud…it's got everything!"

"Rachel, you're drooling."

"I need a new broom."

"Ah, ha, yeah right."

"No, seriously! Look—Oliver Wood sent me a note. _Rachel—you're a good Beater but you need a better broom to play your best. Consider a Nimbus model, if you will. Pick up a copy of 'The Beaters' Bible,' too, if you don't mind. Quality Quidditch Supplies is where you need to go. Quidditch season is only four months away! —Oliver."_

She ducked inside the shop, the others not far behind. While she inspected the different brooms for sale, the others poked around the shop, admiring the dragon-skin wristguards, authentic Quidditch robes (Seamus fell in love with a green Kenmare Kestrels set) and the top-of-the-line Firebolt.

Finally, Rachel paid for her book and used Nimbus 1000 and they left, finding their mothers panic-stricken just outside. "Where have you _been_?" Mrs. Finnigan shrieked when she spotted Seamus. "You could've gotten kidnapped or hexed or _poisoned_ here!"

Mrs. Hekman said essentially the same thing to Rachel. "Don't you _ever_ run away like that again!"

"We were right in there, Mom."

"Tell me next time!"

They were making quite a scene, and the Funny Farm exchanged exasperated looks. "I can't _wait_ to go back to school," Seamus muttered when his mother's back was turned.

"You got that right."


	2. Monty Python, Dementors, and Nicknames

"Dean!" Seamus hissed, yanking on his friend's sleeve.

"What? Seamus, the train leaves in a minute."

"Let's not sit by the girls today," he said with a wary look toward the rest of the Funny Farm, who were snickering and sneaking furtive looks their way.

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Good idea—we'll go sit with Harry and Ron."

Alas, that would never come to pass. As Seamus and Dean made their way cautiously down the corridor of the Hogwarts Express, they were both grasped by the collar and yanked sideways into a compartment.

"Now that we're all here," Katelyn said with a glare at the newcomers, "we can watch the movie. Lights, Tanya, if you don't mind; Rachel, we bestow upon you the honor of inserting the DVD."

Rachel produced a thin bluish disk and slipped it into the DVD player. These words appeared on the screen, glowing dimly in the dark compartment: 'Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. Presents…

_"Monty Python and the Holy Grail."_

----------------------------------------

"Well, what are _you_, then?"

"I'm _French_! Why do you sink I have zis out_rageous_ accent, you silly king?"

"…what are you doing in _England_?"

"Mind your own business!"

Seamus snorted, and the girls snapped out of their jet lag-induced stupors enough to raise their eyebrows at him. "I thought you were hating every moment of this, Finnigan," Rachel said sleepily. She was wrapped up in her winter cloak, since she had been complaining of a draft.

"Well—" Seamus began, but he broke off as the train shuddered and screeched to a stop. "What's the deal?"

Rachel leapt up and rekindled the lights. As soon as she sat back down, however, they flickered off again and they were left in complete darkness.

"Where's my wand?"

"I think the lights are off in the whole train."

"No, duh, Tanya."

"_Where's my wand?"_

"Ow! Rachel, that's my foot!"

"Sorry, Seamus."

"Is it just me, or is it getting chilly in here?"

"I'm going to get up and see what's going on."

"Ow! Seamus, that was _my_ foot this time!"

"Sorry."

There was a grinding sound as Seamus opened the door, and dim light from someone's wand flooded the compartment. "Well, I don't see anything," he said, looking up and down the corridors, "but—"

Suddenly the train gave a violent jolt and Seamus was sent sprawling across the floor of the compartment. "What the _hell_?"

Rachel lifted her wand for more light and helped her friend to his feet. "I think something's boarding the train!"

With a jolt that went down all the way into his or her stomach, everyone realized that something was outside the door. A very tall, evil something. The temperature in the compartment rapidly dropped, and the thing reached out a pale and scabby hand. A faint whooshing sound filled the little room. The thing was breathing. Sucking in. Drinking their air.

And then, just as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. The Funny Farm sat huddled together in absolute silence until the train shuddered to a start again. Then Seamus said in a low voice, "What the _bloody_ hell was that?"

Just then, the compartment door slid open (scaring everyone to death) and Haley rushed in. "Oh, my poor little sister! Oh, my poor little third years! Oh, oh, oh! You're all so pale and small-looking! Those awful dementors must have scared you clean out of your wits!"

"Dementors?" Katelyn asked shakily.

"They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban. They're probably searching the train for Sirius Black."

Seamus flexed his fingers. "Ow…hey, Hekman?"

"Y…yeah?"

"My arm's asleep. Could you let go?"

Rachel sheepishly relaxed her grip on Seamus' arm. "Sorry."

"Oh, and by the way," Haley said. "We're going to be at Hogwarts in only a little while—so I'd change, if I were you." She turned and left.

"Well," Seamus said, getting to his feet, "I'll see you all at supper!"

---------------------------------

"Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!"

Professor Dumbledore surveyed all the students with a sort of fatherly pride. "I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious, I think it best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast."

Dean and Seamus stopped playing swords with their wands to listen as Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"AS you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express, our school is presently playing host to some of the dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business.

"They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds," Dumbledore continued, "and while they are with us, I must make it plain that no one is to leave the school without permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises—or even Invisibility Cloaks…"

"On a happier note, I am pleased to welcome two new teachers to our ranks this year. First, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"As to our second new appointment. Well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to say that his place will be filled by none other that Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties."

The Funny Farm joined the tumultuous cheering and clapping; they had met Hagrid only a few times, but had instantly liked his warm, honest manner. Dean banged on the table and howled, while Seamus stick both his fingers in his mouth and gave a shrill whistle.

"Well, I think that's everything of importance," said Dumbledore. "Let the feast begin!"

Seamus immediately picked up a knife and brandished it like a sword. "Pass the potatoes, Hannah, my good woman!" He noticed the curious looks he was getting, and his ears turned red. "I read a lot over the holiday."

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Uh-_huh."_

He reached out and pulled Rachel's black scarf out of her hair and tied it over his eyes. "See? Look, I'm Zorro!"

Rachel and Hannah and Katelyn cracked up as Seamus waved the butter knife around. "_Aha! _Take _that_, you fiendish ballot-stealers! Have at you!"

Rachel reclaimed Seamus' eyehole-less mask and tied it back in her hair. "Hope you like the name Zorro. Because that's your new Funny Farm nickname!"

Seamus chuckled. "You're joking, right?"

"Nope," Rachel replied with a grin. "Every Funny Farm member needs to have a Funny Farm nickname. I'm Sushi, for example. Even though I _despise_ sea food."

"I'm Schmurf," Hannah put in, "for no apparent reason."

"I'm Sharkbait," Tanya chirped.

"And I'm Schmo," Katelyn said proudly.

"And Haley's Snoodles, Sarah's Cubes, and Shelby's Pickles," Rachel finished.

"So now I'm Zorro?" Seamus asked uncomfortably.

"Yep!"

"What am I?" Dean said, sounding slightly upset. "Chopped liver?"

Everyone jumped, because they had sort of forgotten he was there.

"Of course not, Dean," Hannah said reassuringly. "We just…haven't gotten to you yet."

"So what am I going to be called, then?"

"Hmm…how about…Tofu?"

"_Tofu?"_ Everyone in the near vicinity was shocked.

"Sure, why not?" Dean exclaimed. "After all, it's a very unique name. Er…should I know what it means?"

Hannah looked startled. "Er…of course not. It's…made up."

Katelyn stifled a laugh in her pumpkin juice.

"Um," Dean said nervously.

"Don't worry, Dean," Rachel said, patting his hand, "_I _like it. Dean Thomas: Tofu. It has a nice ring to it." 


	3. Not Divination!

"I don't _want_ to go to Divination! I don't _want_ to go to Divination!"

"Too bad, Dean, Seamus, you have to come."

"_Never!"_

Hannah growled in frustration. "Well, why did you _sign up for it, then?_"

"Because Dean did!"

"Because Seamus did!"

"Seamus," Rachel pleaded, "please, won't you just come on?" She stuck out her lower lip and batted her eyelashes.

"No," Seamus said stubbornly.

Rachel snarled and grabbed his scarlet-and-gold tie, pulling his face right up to hers. "You listen to me, mister: you are _going_ to go to Divination, and you are _going_ to go _now_—even if I have to drag you all the way up to the North Tower by your pointy leprechaun ears. Do I make myself clear?"

Seamus' pointy leprechaun ears turned a bright crimson red, and he grabbed his books. "Fine."

"Thank you, sweetie."

Hannah whipped out her wand. "Move it, Dean."

And so they marched toward the north end of Hogwarts. They were nearly there (or so they hoped) when a short knight in scuffed-up armor appeared in one of the picture frames lining the walls of the corridor.

"Who goes there?" he bellowed.

"Just keep walking," Dean muttered.

"Brave sirs! Kind maidens! To where are you headed?"

Tanya was flattered. "To the North Tower, good sir knight."

"Nearly there!" he cried jovially. "Just a hop, skip, and a jump away up that staircase!"

Rachel stomped on Seamus' toe as he opened his mouth to make a smart comment. "Thank you…uh…sir."

"My pleasure," the knight said cheerily, tripping on his own feet in his haste to follow them. "If ever you are in peril, call on Sir Cadogan!"

As soon as they were out of earshot, Rachel burst out laughing. "No, no, I'm really quite all right," she gasped as Seamus gave her an alarmed look. "It's just that…that…'The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm in_vinc_ible!"

"…you're a loony."

They were just getting started on what promised to be an excellent Monty Python quote marathon when they reached the North Tower and a silvery ladder unfolded at their feet.

"Ladies first," Seamus said grimly.

The instant they entered the hot, stuffy, and heavily perfumed room, Katelyn sneezed. And wheezed. And coughed. Rachel glanced around, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a white canister. "Here."

"What…is it?" Katelyn asked, eyes watering.

"It's an inhaler with emergency asthma medicine. I use it when Crookshanks is around—I'm allergic to cats."

Katelyn raised an eyebrow. "Is it illegal?"

"Of course not. It's for my asthma."

Katelyn shrugged and inhaled a puff or two. Immediately, her coughing ceased and she took a deep breath. "Wow. It's a miracle!"

"It's Albuterol. You might want to consider getting a prescription filled next summer—especially if we're going to keep having classes in this hole."

"Welcome," a misty voice said suddenly. "How nice to see you in the physical world at last."

Rachel and Hannah exchanged glances.

"Sit, my children, sit," their new professor said.

The Funny Farm clustered around a table, perched awkwardly on poufs.

"Welcome to Divination," Professor Trelawney began. "My name is Professor Trelawney. You may not have seen me before. I find that descending too often into the main school clouds my Inner Eye.

"So you have chosen to study Divination, the most difficult of all magical arts. I must warn you at the outset that if you do not have the Sight, there is very little I will be able to teach you. Books can take you only so far in this field….

"Now, I want you all to divide into pairs. Collect a teacup from the shelf, come to me, and I will fill it. Then sit down and drink, drink until only the dregs remain. Swill these around the cup three times with the left hand, then turn the cup upside down on its saucer, wait for the last of the tea to drain away, then give your cup to your partner to read. You will interpret the patterns using pages five and six of _Unfogging the Future_. I shall move among you, helping and instructing."

Each of the Funny Farm forced down their nasty, bitter tea. Suddenly Katelyn made a gagging sound. "I think I swallowed my dregs…"

Seamus was Rachel's partner, and he raised an eyebrow at the thin line of sparkly lip-gloss on the rim of her cup. She blushed and grinned. "Well," he said, frowning down at her cup, "it looks like you have…an arrow…" –he consulted his textbook—"that means love. Ah, sorry. Um…this looks like a stick with a ball on top—you're going to be…'tested, but triumph,' and, I gather, have a happy ending to that test." He shrugged.

Rachel sighed and looked down at his cup. "Oh, look, a sort of knife with a sun. Um…uh, oh. Apparently you're going to be betrayed by a friend. Oh, but look, a globe. It'll all turn out for the better. Hmm…a cloud. Confusion's in your future, Finnigan."

"Are you sure it's future?" he asked dully. "'Cause I'm pretty sure I have no idea what's going on…"

Professor Trelawney swept past them with a wave of perfumed air. "Let me see that," she said briskly to Ron.

Ron handed her Harry's cup.

"The falcon…my dear, you have a deadly enemy."

"No, _duh_," Hannah said under her breath.

"The club…an attack. Dear, dear, this is not a happy cup.

"The skull…danger in your path, my dear."

Tanya slipped off her pouf as Professor Trelawney screamed and sank into an armchair.

"My dear boy…my poor, dear boy…no…it is kinder not to say…no…don't ask me…"

"What is it, Professor?" Dean asked. Everyone got up and crowded around Harry's table.

"My dear," Professor Trelawney whispered, "you have the Grim."

Dean shrugged at Harry.

"The Grim, my dear, the Grim!" Professor Trelawney cried. "The giant, spectral dog that haunts churchyards! My dear boy, it is an omen—the worst omen—of _DEATH!_"

Hermione looked over. "I don't think it looks like a Grim."

Professor Trelawney turned to her with what looked almost like a glare. "You'll forgive me for saying so, my dear, but I perceive very little aura around you. Very little receptivity to the resonances of the future."

Seamus, who seemed to have woken up a bit more, peered into Harry's cup and squinted one eye shut. "It looks like a Grim if you do this," he said slowly, "but it looks more like a donkey from here. Are you going to ask Rachel to do something she doesn't want to? Ow!"

Rachel had just trodden on his toes.

"Once you've all finished deciding whether I'm going to die or not," Harry snapped.

"I think we will leave the lesson here for today," Professor Trelawney said faintly. "Yes…please pack away your things…"

"Well, _that_ was a load of rubbish," Rachel fumed as they made their way down the spiral staircase. "I can't _believe_ I wasted an hour and a half in that class. I didn't even _learn_ anything! I hope Muggle Studies is better. See you all later!"

"Whyever does she want to take _that_?" Hannah asked as they went into the Charms classroom. "I mean, she was a Muggle for eleven years…"

Seamus shrugged. "To each her own, I guess."


	4. Classes and Hippogriffs

After lunch was the Funny Farm's first ever Care of Magical Creatures class. Each of them silently reveled in the brisk air and springy turf as they walked across the sloping lawns and breathed in the subtle scent of Scottish heather. (Hannah sneezed.)

"It's absolutely gorgeous out today," Tanya said with an appreciative breath.

Hannah gave a little skip. "Beautiful."

Rachel did up her hair in a ponytail and slung her arms over Seamus and Dean's shoulders. "Could this day get any better?"

Seamus put his arm around her waist. "Nope."

Suddenly, Katelyn stopped in her tracks. "Oh my gosh…_Shelby!"_

She and the other girls took off running toward Hagrid's hut where a group of students were already gathered.

Dean glared at Seamus for no apparent reason. "Nice one, Romeo."

"What?"

"'Nope, this is a perfect day because I'm feeling up a girl!'" Dean mocked.

"I wasn't feeling her up!" Seamus said angrily. "That's an awful thing to say. She's my _friend_. Besides, I would _never_ do that to anyone!"

"Even your future wife?"

"My future wife is an exception. But—that's beside the point! Where was I supposed to put my arm? Around her forehead?"

"Better that than—"

"Okay, okay, stupid discussion."

Dean gave him a look, and they went to join the girls, who were in the middle of crushing Shelby in a group hug. "We've missed you so much!" Katelyn cried.

Dean looked disgusted. "You're hugging a Slytherin."

"Shh."

"I've missed you guys, too," Shelby said with a grin. "I've wanted to tell you all something so bad."

"What?"

"Draco's my boyfriend!"

Everyone stared at her. "D…Draco…_Malfoy?_" Rachel asked, as if she wasn't quite sure she'd heard Shelby right.

"Well, _duh_."

"Er…"

"Isn't that _great_, guys?"

"Eh…yeah! Um, great! Wonderful!"

No one had a chance to say anything else, because Hagrid appeared and the lesson began. "C'mon, now, get a move on!" he said to them. "Got a real treat for yeh today! Great lesson comin' up! Everyone here? Right, follow me!" He led them to a sort of paddock by the forest.

"Everyone gather 'round the fence here!" he called. "That's it—make sure yeh can see—now, firs' thing yeh'll want ter do is open yer books—"

"How?" Draco Malfoy said scornfully. Shelby looked adoringly up at him.

"Eh?" said Hagrid in surprise.

"How do we open our books?" Malfoy repeated slowly.

"Hasn'—hasn' anyone been able ter open their books?" asked Hagrid tentatively.

The Funny Farm looked at their duct-taped, Spellotaped, belted, glued, Scotch-taped, and roped-shut books. They all shook their heads.

"Yeh've got ter _stroke_ 'em," said Hagrid, taking Hermione's copy. "Look—" He stoked the book's spine, and it shuddered and fell open.

"Oh, how silly we've been!" Malfoy sneered. "We should have _stroked_ them! Why didn't we guess?"

"I—I thought they were funny," Hagrid said tremulously.

"Oh, _tremendously_ funny! Really witty, gibing us books that try and rip our hands off!"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry hissed.

"Righ', then," said Hagrid uncertainly, "so—so yeh've got yer books an'—an' now yeh need the Magical Creatures. Yeah. So I'll go an' get 'em."

He strode out of sight.

"Um…it doesn't look like he's quite got his act together, does it?" Hannah asked.

Seamus rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't know about this class."

"What the hell…" Dean said, pointing.

Into the paddock came a dozen or more of the _coolest_ creatures the Funny Farm had ever seen! They had the back half of a horse, but the front end (wings included) looked like giant eagles.

"_Sweet_," Rachel said under her breath.

"Gee up there," Hagrid bellowed, shaking the creatures' leashes. "Hippogriffs!" he said as he tethered them to a post. "Beau'iful, aren' they? So, if yeh wan' ter come a bit nearer…

"Now, firs' thing yeh gotta know abou' hippogriffs is, they're proud. Easily offended, hippogriffs are. Don't never insult one, 'cause it might just be the last thing yeh do. Yeh always wait fer the hippogriff ter make the firs' move."

"Kind of like girls," Seamus said in a loud whisper, much to the amusement of those in earshot.

"It's polite, see?" Hagrid continued, oblivious. "Yeh walk toward him, and yeh bow, an' yeh wait. If he bows, yeh're allowed ter touch him. If he doesn't bow, then get away from him sharpish, 'cause those talons hurt."

Soon they were all bowing to their own hippogriffs. Seamus and Dean shared a red roan, Hannah and Katelyn an inky black one, and Rachel and Tanya a stormy grey one. "_These are so cool!" _Rachel said as she stroked her hippogriff's neck, her face glowing. Tanya, however, watched apprehensively from a safe distance away.

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched scream. Everyone whirled about as none other than Draco Malfoy tumbled to the ground, blood seeping out onto the grass from a gash on his arm. "I'm dying!" he screeched. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!"

Hagrid looked about to faint himself. "Yer not dyin'! Someone help me—gotta get him outta here—" And he scooped Malfoy up and ran to the castle.

Rachel, who looked suddenly very white, stepped hastily away from her hippogriff into the relative safety of her friends. "Nice hippogriff, nice hippogriff…"

"I'm going back to the castle," Dean said nervously.

"_Right_ behind you," everyone echoed.

--------------------------

"Good afternoon," Professor Lupin said briskly, stepping smartly up to the front of the classroom.

"Good afternoon," they chorused back. Seventeen pairs of eyes then fixated themselves unwaveringly on the teacher, watching him expectantly.

"Would you please put all your books back in your bags?" Lupin asked. "Today's will be a practical lesson. You will need only your wands."

So they did so, trading excited looks with each other. It had been a good while since they'd had an acceptable practical lesson—in this class, anyway.

"Right then," said Lupin. "If you'll follow me…"

He led the class to the teachers' staffroom and ushered them inside toward a large, old wardrobe—which jumped alarmingly as Lupin went to stand beside it.

"I don't think that's Aslan in there," Katelyn whispered uneasily.

"Nothing to worry about," Professor Lupin said calmly, looking at Katelyn in particular. "There's a _boggart_ in there."

Rachel bit her lip and Seamus eyed the rattling doorknob with uncharacteristic apprehension.

"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces," Lupin continued. "Wardrobes, the gab between beds, the cupboards under sinks—I've even met one that had lodged itself in a grandfather clock. _This_ one moved in yesterday afternoon, and I asked the headmaster if the staff would leave it to give my third years some practice….

"On the count of three, Neville," said Lupin, pointing his wand at the doorknob. "One—two—three—_now!"_

And so they all had a crack at the boggart. Seamus was the first of the Funny Farm to go; he darted forward and the boggart—_crack!_—turned into a banshee. She opened her mouth and wailed mournfully. Seamus paled—

"_Riddikulus!"_

Rachel stepped forward after him. _Crack! _The banshee was replaced by a huge, snarling wolf that advanced upon Rachel with saliva dripping from its open mouth.

She paled like Seamus, but instead of saying the spell, she screamed and lurched backwards into the safety of her classmates; Seamus and Dean grabbed her arms and pushed her back toward the wolf.

"R—_riddikulus_!"

The wolf suddenly made a choking sound and smacked its mouth together. "It's got a hairball!" Dean shouted with glee.

Katelyn was next. _Crack!_ The wolf changed into a clown—a sinister-looking clown with a bloody butcher knife in one hand and what looked like a severed head in the other. "Riddikulus!" The clown changed into a can-can-dancing and corset-wearing line of professors, sans Professor Lupin, of course.

As Katelyn walked back to the Funny Farm, Rachel gave her _the look_. "I don't know whether to laugh or be deeply disturbed," the brunette said, and Katelyn grinned wickedly.

Tanya was next; she stepped forward. _Crack!_ The boggart changed into a big black bear. Almost indifferently, Tanya flicked her wand and the boggart—_crack!—_changed into a fuzzy teddy bear.

Seamus and Dean stared at her in amazement. "Are you allowed to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Be so damn perfect! Ow!.." Seamus rubbed his arm where both Rachel and Hannah had punched him.

"No swearing, Seamus. Say you're sorry."

"Sorry…"

"Good boy."


	5. Rachel and Dean Are Going Out?

Rachel came back from Quidditch practice later that week to find the common room buzzing with anticipation. "What's everyone so excited about?" she asked Hannah, who was flushed with joy.

"Don't you remember?" Hannah replied "Hogsmeade tomorrow!"

"Oh, yeah," Rachel said, undoing her wristguards, "but why are _you_ so excited?"

Hannah bit her lip and bounced on the balls of her feet in her enthusiasm. "I—I…I'm going to…to ask Dean out!"

Rachel blinked. "You like Dean? _Aw!_ That's so cute!"

Hannah blushed bright red, but said nothing.

Rachel took a deep breath. "Well…if you're going…if you're going to…if…if you're going to ask Dean out, then _I'm_ going to…going to—to ask…to a-ask out…ask out…ask—ask Se—"

"Hogsmeade!" Katelyn shrieked, bounding over. "I'm so excited!"

Hannah glared at her. "Rachel was about to tell me who she's going to ask out!"

Katelyn clapped a hand over her mouth, but Rachel shook her head. "Never mind. I don't know what I was thinking…" She shrugged off her Quidditch robes and retrieved some of her homework. "Never mind."

Hannah glanced across the room to where Seamus and Dean sat at a table with homework piled in front of them. "When should I ask him?"

"Who, Dean? Um…tonight, at supper."

"Okay."

Rachel looked over at Seamus and Dean in time to see Seamus make a restrained but furious gesture toward Dean. She blinked, but then shrugged and went back to her homework.

Meanwhile… 

"I'm going to ask her out," Dean said suddenly.

Seamus hardly glanced up from his Transfiguration book. "Who?"

"Rachel."

Seamus snapped his book shut. "_What?"_

Dean raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to ask Rachel out—Hogsmeade tomorrow…"

"_Why?" _Seamus asked, fist clenched around his wand.

"Why do you _think_ I'm going to ask her out?"

"How—" Seamus looked too angry to finish his sentence.

Dean crossed his arms. "Honestly, Seamus. Can't you speak in more than one syllable at a time?"

Seamus ignored this. "_Why,_ Dean? Damn…"

"Well," Dean said, "you should've asked her yourself, then."

Seamus' ears turned red, and he crossed his arms.

Dean got up. "Well, then, if you'll excuse me…"

Seamus watched with a sinking heart as his so-called friend crossed the common room to the fire.

"Hey, Sushi," Dean said casually.

"Hi, Dean," Rachel replied. "What do you need?"

"Do you want to go out with me tomorrow?"

Rachel's face turned a bright ruby red. "Um…I—uh, well—um, ah—okay—"

She realized her mistake immediately. Dean grinned and went to finish his homework; Hannah, however, paled and stared, in shock, at her so-called friend. "Hannah, I'm so—"

Hannah slammed her book shut and ran up the stairs to the girls' dorm; Seamus shoved all his papers unceremoniously into his book bag and stomped all the way up to the boys' dorm and slammed the door behind him.

"What have I done?" Rachel moaned. She slumped forward and buried her face in her hands.

-------------------------

Neither Seamus nor Hannah went to Hogsmeade on their own accord. They both had to be dragged down to the little village by the highly persistent Katelyn and Tanya. "Stop looking like your puppy just got run over by a steamroller, you two," Katelyn said crossly. "We're only third years."

"It was our friends, though," Hannah and Seamus said in unison.

"So?" Tanya said as she dragged Hannah into the Three Broomsticks. "You'll get over it. Here's a butterbeer, on me."

"No, I won't get over it!" Hannah cried, tears coming to her eyes. She slumped into a booth and sipped dejectedly at the bottle.

"Calm down, Schmurf," Katelyn said bracingly. "Maybe you and Seamus should go out."

Hannah turned green. "Um, _ew? _It would be like dating my own _brother_! No offence, of course."

Seamus nodded. "No, I feel the same way."

The door swung open at this time, bringing with it a blast of cool air and the pink-cheeked, laughing Dean and Rachel. "Hi, guys!" Rachel said cheerfully when she spotted them. She gave Hannah a helpless look, but Hannah abruptly stood up from the table, sending it rocking back and forth on its stiff legs.

"_Hi,"_ she snapped, and chucked her butterbeer into the trash so violently that it shattered, gaining her the reproachful looks of everyone inside the bar. With a huff, she stalked out.

"Having a good time, Seamus?" Dean asked uneasily.

Seamus simply looked as if he had lockjaw, and did not answer.

"That means no," Katelyn said.

At this, Seamus shot up out of his seat and stomped out of the Three Broomsticks, slamming the door behind him.

Rachel said nothing, but pinched her lips together worriedly.

----------------------------

Seamus and Hannah stormed back up to the castle, however, fuming all the way to the Gryffindor common room. They only stopped then because they got several complaints from first and second years.

"I can't believe that she'd _dare_ to—ugh!" Hannah slapped the arm of the chair she'd just flopped into.

"That son of bitch," Seamus said under his breath.

Katelyn and Tanya burst into the common room at this moment. "There you are," Katelyn exclaimed when she spotted them. "Why'd you have to storm out like that?"

Seamus glared at her.

"Come on, guys, just _talk_ to Rachel and Dean," Tanya said coaxingly.

"As if!" Hannah said huffily.

"I don't think so," Seamus added.

"They were our friends, but they deceived us."

"They didn't _deceive_ you," Katelyn rejoined.

"Well, whatever," Seamus snapped. "The point is that they don't care how we feel!"

Katelyn and Tanya exchanged exasperated looks and rolled their eyes. "Well, it's not like things can get any worse," Tanya said soothingly.

"Um…" Katelyn pointed out.

Into the common room came none other than Haley. "What's wrong, guys?" she asked when she saw the upset looks on her sister's and Seamus' faces.

"Dean and Rachel are going out," Katelyn explained. "Hannah likes Dean, and…um…I'm not sure what Seamus' deal is."

"Is that all?" Haley asked. "You're mad because Rachel took Dean?"

Hannah nodded silently.

"Well, that's not so bad," Haley said encouragingly. She squeezed herself next to Hannah on the chair. "You just need some proper advice on how to deal with this situation and learn what a _real_ relationship is. Take _Oliver_ and me for example."

"Oh, great," Seamus sighed.

Haley continued to talk on and on for at least thirty minutes, but no one paid attention to a word she said (except for an occasional "Oliver" or "Oliver and I"). When she finished, Hannah yawned.

"Thank you, Haley," she said sleepily. "That was very educational."

"Glad I could help," Haley replied happily, completely oblivious to the fact that Seamus, Tanya, and Katelyn were all asleep. "Hang on—all this talk about Oliver has made me want to see him. _Adios_!" With that, she got up and left, and Hannah took it upon herself to poke her companions awake.

"Is it over?" Seamus asked drowsily.

"Yes," Hannah replied, stretching. "I—"

The portrait hole swung open, and in came the other Gryffindors returning from Hogsmeade. Leading the whole noisy pack were Rachel and Dean, and they were _laughing together_!

All eyes were on them, and after a minute of awkward silence, Seamus and Hannah announced that they were tired, and went up to their dorms.


	6. Sirius Black Attack

"I just _can't take this anymore!_" Tanya shouted suddenly that night at the Halloween feast. "Why don't you two just try _talking_ to them?"

Hannah and Seamus just sat there quietly, unfazed by Tanya's outburst.

"Yeah, at least tell them how you feel," Katelyn said.

"Do you really think _Rachel_ cares how I feel?" Hannah snapped.

"And Dean's never cared about how _I_ feel," Seamus echoed.

"Yes, they do," Katelyn and Tanya said in unison, "because they're your _friends_."

At this moment, Rachel and Dean entered the Great Hall and came toward them.

"Here's your chance, guys," Tanya prompted.

"You know what," Hannah said, "I think I _will_ talk to Rachel, right now!"

"Good Schmurf!" Katelyn cried.

Hannah stood up as Dean and Rachel approached, looked straight into Rachel's eyes, and said severely, "Why are you going out with Dean?"

"Hannah!" Rachel exclaimed. "You're talking to me!"

"Just answer the question."

"Fine. I went out with Dean because _he_ asked _me_! I never dreamt of asking _him_."

"So...wait a minute. Dean asked _you_?"

"Yes, you were there!"

Hannah turned to face Dean. "Don't you like me?" she asked firmly.

"Sure I do," Dean replied. "I just think Rachel's…responsible, and…more mature."

Everyone gasped.

"He didn't!" Tanya whispered.

"Are you saying Rachel's more of a woman than _me_?" Hannah demanded. "You _do_ realize that I'm _older _than her!"

"You said it, not me," Dean said simply.

"He did!" Katelyn gasped.

"I have a mind to change you into a matchbox, Dean Thomas," Hannah shrieked, whipping out her wand.

Rachel stepped between them and held out her arms. "Knock it off, you two," she said sternly. "This is _not_ worth going to the Hospital Wing for!"

"You said it, Su," Dean said approvingly. "Too bad _more_ people don't listen to you!"

Hannah stuck her wand back into her robes. "Fine," she said calmly. "Goodbye, Dean." She turned on her heel and stomped out of the Great Hall.

Dean chuckled.

"_Dean_," Rachel said reproachfully, "that could've been handled more delicately."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "So you're taking her side, now?"

Rachel bit her lip angrily. "You're acting like a selfish pig, Thomas. My answer's gonna change if you don't shape up."

"Answer?" Seamus asked as Rachel, Tanya, and Katelyn went to sit with Haley and Oliver.

"I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend," Dean replied casually. "She said yes."

Seamus sat in stony silence for the rest of the evening.

After supper, everyone went to his or her respective dorms, as usual. But for some reason, the corridor leading to Gryffindor was clogged with students.

"What's going on?" Tanya asked. "And Seamus, now you look like your _mom_ got steamrollered."

"Dean and Rachel are boyfriend and girlfriend," he replied glumly. "And it looks like the Fat Lady isn't letting us through," he added, using his height to an advantage.

"Let me through, please," said Percy Weasley, elbowing through. "What's the holdup here? You can't all have forgotten the password. Excuse me, I'm Head Boy—"

The silence that fell immediately afterwards was terrible, empty and foreboding. Then—

"Somebody get Professor Dumbledore. Quick."

"What's going on?" a frightened voice said from behind Katelyn. Rachel and Dean, who had just arrived, were looking anxious.

Dumbledore suddenly swept past them, and they all crowded together to see what he was staring at.

"Damn," Seamus whispered. For the Fat Lady was gone, her portrait was slashed viciously; strips of canvas hung off the frame and shards of paint and plaster littered the floor.

"We need to find her," Dumbledore said to the other teachers, who had just arrived. "Professor McGonagall, please go to Mr. Filch at once and tell him to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady."

"You'll be lucky!"

Peeves the Poltergeist was bobbing over their heads and looking like his birthday had come early.

"What do you mean, Peeves?" asked Dumbledore.

"Ashamed, Your Headship, sir. Doesn't want to be seen. She's a horrible mess. Saw her running through the landscape up on the fourth floor sir, dodging between the trees. Crying something dreadful. Poor thing," he added unconvincingly.

"Did she say who did it?"

"Oh, yes, Professorhead," Peeves said with a cackle. "He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in, you see." Peeves flipped over with a delighted smile. "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."

-------------------

It wasn't until they were in the Great Hall that it finally sank in; Rachel gave a little shriek. "Sirius Black—in the castle!" She clung to Seamus' arm, to Dean's utmost chagrin. "Er…sorry," she said, and clung to him instead.

Hannah pretended not to notice; Katelyn had told her "the big news" about Dean and Rachel, and it bothered her immensely. She took one of the squashy purpled sleeping bags that Dumbledore had summoned for them and climbed into it. Everyone else did the same.

"Look at Neville, he is blushing!" Katelyn's singsong-y voice made everyone look at his or her classmate.

"I'm sleeping with a bunch of girls," he muttered, face and ears red.

"Don't have an aneurism, Neville," Hannah said. "There are prefects everywhere. There are hundreds of students ages ten to eighteen in here. The teachers and the Head Boy and Girl are walking around. Do you _really_ think we'd get away with anything?"

"Aw, dang," Rachel said, snapping her fingers. "I wanted to shag Finnigan."

There was a brief silence, in which Rachel amended hastily, "I mean _Dean_. I—I mean—"

Cue the strange looks.

Rachel buried her head in her pillow in utter embarrassment, and Katelyn simply cracked up.


	7. Quidditch, Twins, and Cheerleading

Dean, Hannah, Katelyn, and Tanya returned to Gryffindor Tower from breakfast the next week (they were retrieving their various Gryffindor paraphernalia for the Quidditch game against Hufflepuff) to find that Seamus and Rachel were at each other's throats—_again_. Both were red in the face, and Rachel looked ready to bash the Irishman with the broomstick she held in her hand.

"Why do you _care?_" she shrieked.

"You're going out with my best mate!" Seamus bellowed back.

"I can't help it, Finnigan! What do you want me to do—be a spinster my whole life just so _you_ won't be offended?"

"I think I'd prefer that to what you're doing now!"

"For your information," Rachel cried, buckling on her wristguards and advancing menacingly on the Irishman, "we've never even _kissed_!"

Katelyn gasped. "No."

"Shut up, Barcanic," Seamus snapped. "Well, why _not_?"

"I can't please you, can I?" Rachel exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "Maybe I should just marry _you_, right now!"

"Well, why not?" Seamus said, making a violent gesture of submission in the air. "Maybe you'll find that _my_ snogging is superior to _Dean's_!"

A ringing silence followed this startling declaration; Rachel looked disgusted at the crude nature of Seamus' comment. Katelyn was still puzzling over the fact that Dean and Rachel were boyfriend and girlfriend and yet had never kissed before. Hannah didn't know what to think. Dean was vaguely wondering why Seamus didn't look sarcastic. Tanya was mildly worried that they'd miss the game.

The silence was broken when Rachel exhaled sharply and threw on her Quidditch robes. "I am so _sick_ of you, Finnigan. See if I ever talk to _you_ again."

"I'm sticking to what I said," Seamus said stubbornly.

Rachel clenched her jaw, then abruptly walked up to Dean and kissed him. When they pulled apart, she glanced, pink-faced, around the common room, sniffed, and said haughtily, "If you'll excuse me, I have a Quidditch match to win."

-------------

It was pouring rain when they got out to the field. "Perfect Quidditch weather!" Tanya said brightly.

Hah.

Vaguely, they could see the teams walking out onto the pitch. The Hufflepuffs were easiest to spot, as they were wearing bright yellow robes.

"The players mount their brooms," Lee Jordan said, his magnified voice oddly distant and muffled. "And the Quaffle is released!"

Rachel peered through the rain; already the drops were rolling down her cheeks and under her collar, and her sodden ponytail seeped chill into her very bones. He caught sight of a Bludger whizzing around up ahead; she whacked it with her bat and sent it hurtling toward the Hufflepuff Keeper.

_You're going out with my best mate!_

"Gryffindor scores! Leads thirty points to none—"

_I think I'd prefer that to what you're doing now!_

"Damn you, Finnigan," she hissed, sweeping low over the Gryffindor crowd to catch another stray Bludger.

"Watch it!" Oliver bellowed as she nearly collided with him.

It was darkening by the minute, but the storm was raging even fiercer than before. Twice, Rachel nearly crashed into another player; the third time she slammed headlong into the Hufflepuff Seeker, Cedric Diggory.

"Sorry!" she shouted, rubbing her shoulder.

"It's okay," she shouted back.

Finally, Oliver called a time-out. The whole team splashed wearily down into the mud and took refuge under a huge umbrella. "We're fifty points up," said Oliver, "but unless we get the Snitch, we'll be playing into the night."

Rachel groaned. For the first time since she'd learned to play Quidditch, she felt like quitting. "You're joking, right?"

Suddenly, someone draped a warm cloak over her. Peering through the semi-darkness, she found that Dean had his arm over her shoulder. "You have saved my life—I am eternally grateful," she teased.

"No problem," Dean replied. "I don't want my girlfriend getting pneumonia. Which reminds me—Oliver, Haley sends her love."

Oliver visibly brightened. "Tell Snuggle Bear that I love her, too."

Dean looked slightly sick. "Er…okay." He squeezed Rachel's shoulders, kissed her cheek, and disappeared into the rain.

Oliver still looked distracted, and he had to clear his throat several times before he could say, "Okay, team, let's go for it!"

Rachel kicked off again with a renewed sense of determination—one, unfortunately, that lasted about three times shorter than her original adrenaline rush. The wind seemed to throw all its force into deterring her from moving forward, and the rain lashed against her face—

Then, a familiar cold, hopeless emptiness welled up in her stomach, and the temperature plummeted suddenly. A sudden wave of terror crashed over her as one—two—no—fifty dementors swept past her. They seemed to be congregating around a dark form a little distance off. Then, the form was falling…

_"Harry!"_

-------------------------------------

"We _lost_."

The sopping wet Gryffindors trudged into the common room.

"I think we need more Gryffindor spirit," Haley said, handing out warm, dry towels to everyone.

"Yeah," Katelyn agreed. "We really…need…" She trailed off and her eyes glazed over.

"Uh, oh," Hannah said. "She's got _that_ look."

Katelyn grinned and winked at Hannah. "You know it," she said, and sprinted up to the girls' dormitory. A minute or so later, she was back wearing dry clothes. Without a word to anyone, she dashed out of the common room, leaving a pack of bewildered Gryffindors behind her.

"What the bloody hell was _that_ all about?" one of the Weasley twins asked.

Hannah and Haley shrugged and gave them helpless looks.

An hour later found Tanya, Haley, Hannah, Fred, George, Dean, and Seamus in the common room, flopped in boredom over the arms of chairs or in front of the fire. The portrait hole swung open and Katelyn burst in, singing 'It's a Hard Knock Life' and carrying a big cardboard box.

"What was that all about?" Tanya asked as Katelyn plopped down in front of one of the couches.

"Haley's comment inspired me," Katelyn replied. "You, my dear Sharkbait, are looking at the new captain of the Gryffindor cheerleading squad!"

"The _what_?" the twins asked in unison.

"American Muggle thing," Katelyn explained. "You'll find out."

Hannah put a hand on Katelyn's forehead. "Do you have a fever?" she asked worriedly.

Katelyn swatted her hand away. "No, why?"

"Because you _hate_ cheerleaders!" Tanya said.

Katelyn shrugged. "My Muggle friend Coral and I did some dance-slash-cheerleading over the summer. It was fun. Plus," she added, rummaging around in the box and drawing out scarlet and gold fabric, "I may be able to get Transfiguration extra credit if I can figure out how to make these uniforms."

------------------

Breakfast the next morning was tense with Hannah and Seamus shooting Rachel and Dean evil looks. Everyone else decided it was safest to tread lightly around them.

The tenseness was broken when a golden owl landed in front of Katelyn, who picked up the letter the owl had dropped with a puzzled face. She quickly scanned the parchment, her eyes becoming nearly as big as hubcaps as she did so.

"What's it say?" Seamus asked.

"_'Dear Katelyn,_

_"'Hey Kate, it's Kim. You'll never guess what I just found out I can tell you! I didn't know until now so please don't get mad at me. Well, you'd better sit down. I'm a witch! Yep. You read right, I'm a witch. I don't go to Eton like I told you, but a school called Beauxbatons, in France. I've been since we were eleven! Guess all those French lessons sure came in handy, huh? _

_"'Well, my school is talking about a thing called a Triwizard Tournament, eligible for all above third year. I know, young, huh. But I am so entering! They said something about going to another magic school in England, called Hogwarts, next year. I'm so psyched! Anyway, they're calling me up for my contest admission form, so I've got to go. Write me soon!_

_Love, your dearest twin,_

_Kim."_

"You have a twin?" Dean asked.

Katelyn nodded. "Kind of. We're not actually biologically related, so to speak, but we're _way_ close. And we even look sort of alike, so we call ourselves twins!"

"So…she's coming here?" Rachel asked.

"Well," Katelyn replied, scanning the letter, "it looks like only if she wins this contest thing."

"But how come she can tell you she's a witch if she thinks you're a Muggle?" Hannah pointed out.

Katelyn blinked. "I…don't know. Here—I'll write her and ask. And I am _so_ telling her that we go to Hogwarts!"

------------------

"De-e-e-e-a-a-a-an! Shay-ay-ay-muss! Come on, or we'll be late!"

Said Gryffindors clattered down the dorm steps, throwing cloaks over their Muggle clothes. "Nice shirt, Zorro," Katelyn commented as they clambered out the portrait hole.

"Thanks. I got it in Dublin last summer."

"May I see, Seamus?" Rachel asked, stopping in the corridor.

His ears turned pink, and he shook his head. "No."

"Come on, Seamus," Tanya demanded.

Hannah batted her eyelashes at him. "Pwease?"

"No."

"Pretty, pretty please?"

"Uh-uh."

"Pretty, pretty, _pretty_ please with a cherry on top?"

"Nope."

"You brought this on yourself, Finnigan," Rachel warned, and raised her wand. "_Accio cloak!"_ She smiled as she read the white writing on the Irishman's green t-shirt: '_Kiss me, I'm Irish!' _"Cute!"

Suddenly, all four girls pounced on him and kissed his cheeks soundly (well, Hannah got his forehead and Tanya his ear), much to Dean's chagrin.

"Well, maybe if you suddenly became Irish overnight you'll be this popular," Tanya said, handing Seamus' cloak back.

Together, they all went down to the Three Broomsticks and got a bottle of butterbeer each.

"Have you ever noticed how sad it is that we spend all our time hanging out with a bunch of girls?" Dean asked Seamus as they all sat down around a table.

"No, Dean, I'm perfectly oblivious to our gender differences."

"When's the next Gryffindor game?" Katelyn asked quickly before another fight could break out.

Rachel bit the corners of her lip, thinking. "George is playing this one, so…February, I think."

Katelyn looked relieved. "That's plenty of time, then."

Hannah looked intrigued. "Time for what?"

Slapping a piece pf parchment onto the table, Katelyn said, "Even _with_ magic, these uniforms are a _beast_ to make."

Everyone peered over at the drawings. Neatly sketched and colored was a scarlet-and-gold cheerleading costume. The scarlet blouse was sleeveless, with a large gold "G" emblazoned across the front. Two gold stripes outlined the V-neck of the blouse, and that same design was mirrored across the bottom hem. The pleated skirt was also scarlet, with gold inside the pleats and across the waistband.

"You expect us to wear these in _February_ in _England_?" Rachel asked incredulously.

"Don't be silly," Katelyn said. "You'll wear a shirt under the blouse!"

Hannah and Tanya stared at the costume, with its little matching pom-poms and feathered hair ties. "Um…wow."

Katelyn beamed. "Thanks! I hope they'll be ready by the time the game rolls around."


	8. Christmas and More Cheerleading

After Christmas break, the Funny Farm returned to Hogwarts to find that Harry had gotten a Firebolt. "Wow, Harry, _really_?" Rachel asked, eyes shining. "Oh, that's so cool! May I see it?"

Harry shook his head grimly. "It's been confiscated."

"What? By whom? Why? When will you get it back?"

"McGonagall thinks that…that Sirius Black may've sent it. She wants to have it stripped for jinxes, and I don't know when I'll get it back."

Rachel paled and clutched at an armchair for support. "S…stripped?" she echoed faintly. "You can't be serious—Harry, it's a _Firebolt_. You've got to have it back by February—you've _got_ to!"

Harry shrugged wearily. "I've already talked to Wood and McGonagall about it—no luck."

Rachel stared at him. "Harry—the match is next month. If we win, Gryffindor'll be in second place for the _House Cup_!"

"I'm sorry, Rachel. There's nothing I can do."

At this point, Dean, Hannah, Seamus, Tanya, and Katelyn appeared and demanded that she come to supper with them. "I'll ask McGonagall, Harry, I promise!" she called as her friends dragged her out the portrait hole.

Before they knew it, it was February, the day of the match. The whole school had packed into the stadium to see, for their very own, Harry Potter on his brand new Firebolt. As usual, Dean and Seamus got their seats, but, highly _un_usually, the girls were late.

"Where are they?" Seamus asked, scanning the crowds.

Dean struggled to open his mouth; when he finally did, the scarlet-and-gold face paint he wore cracked in fifty different places. "Here comes Rachel—and what the _hell_ is she wearing?"

Making her way towards them was Rachel, all decked out in a scarlet-and-gold cheerleading uniform. She carried two matching pom-poms, a scarlet ribbon kept her hair pulled back from her face in a ponytail—and she looked highly disgruntled. "Hey, guys."

"I thought Katelyn was joking!" Dean said incredulously, eyes wide as hubcaps.

"She wasn't, and I'm freezing," Rachel replied. Even though she wore a turtleneck under her blouse, her legs were all covered in goose bumps. "I think my contacts have frozen to my eyeballs."

"Are you the only one, then?" Seamus asked.

"No—Hannah, Katelyn, Tanya, Lavender, and Haley are down there, too. That's why I'm up here: to tell you we're down on the pitch. Yay," she added dryly.

"Cheerless leader," Dean joked.

"Hey," Rachel protested. "I cheered for the Lake in the Hills Lions last summer and had a blast. I'm only mad because I'm _freezing_."

"Er—don't you think you'd better get down there?" Seamus asked as the teams began to come onto the field.

Rachel nodded and turned to go back down to the pitch. "See you later—oh, and by the way, nice paint jobs, guys." She disappeared into the crowd again.

"Damn," Seamus said as soon as she was gone. _"Damn."_

_"My_ girlfriend. Mine."

"They're off," said commentator Lee Jordan, who then launched into something that sounded like it belonged in _Which Broomstick._

"Jordan!" shouted Professor McGonagall.

"Okay, okay, Gryffindor in possession, Katie Bell of Gryffindor heading for goal…

"While I have your attention, let me direct it to the north end of the field, where we have some very hot Gryffindor cheerleaders—"

_"Jordan!"_

"Sorry, Professor. Anyway, we have captain Katelyn Barcanic, third year, and her teammates Marie Reese, second year; Lavender Brown, Rachel Hekman, Tanya Rogers, and Hannah Schreiter, third years; Jackie Alexander, Colleen Carpenter, and Lizzie Fergusson, fifth years; Maggie Hill and Elsie Lewis, sixth years; and Haley Schreiter, seventh year. _Put some hip into it, girls!_"

_"Lee Jordan! Get on with it!"_

Above the roar of the crowd, Seamus and Dean could just make out what the girls were chanting:

_"Bang, bang, choo-choo train,_

_Come on, Gryffindor, do that thang!_

_Get it, get it, get it, get it,_

_Got it, got it, got it, got it,_

_BANG! Don't let it go._

_BANG! Don't let it go."_

"Gryffindor leads by eighty points to zero, and look at that Firebolt go! Potter's really putting it through its paces now, see it turn—Chang's Comet is just no match for it, the Firebolt's precision-balance is really noticeable in these long—"

_"One, two, three, four!_

_Ravenclaw is mighty poor!_

_Five, six, seven, eight!_

_Gryffindor is mighty great!"_

Cho Chang had nearly gotten the Snitch when—"Oh!"

Three huge dementors made their way onto the field. "Oh, no you don't!" Rachel shrieked, completely losing her head and whipping out her wand.

But Harry had it all under control. _"Expecto Patronum!"_ he bellowed, and an enormous silvery-white deer burst out the end of his wand. The dementors tripped backwards and their robes fell aside, exposing none other than the Slytherin Quidditch team.

"What the _hell_!" Rachel, Katelyn, and even Hannah shouted in unison. They all strode onto the field, oblivious to the fact that they'd won.

"How dare you sabotage _my_ team!" Rachel raged at Marcus Flint, the first to free himself from the robes. "I can't believe that dirty, rotten trick! Of all the terrible things Slytherins have done over the years, I think _this_ is the quintessence!"

"Shove it, Mudblood filth," Flint grunted angrily.

Rachel snapped her jaw shut and jutted her chin out defiantly. "You can tell me to be quiet in what_ever_ way you feel is necessary, but it won't change the fact that you're an untrustworthy, disreputable _jerk _who never learned what the word _honor_ means, or—"

Flint raised his meaty hand to strike her, but just as he was about to swing, someone _else_ slammed a fist into his troll-like face.

Rachel, who had instinctively recoiled, now spun around to see none other than Seamus, massaging his red hand and looking livid. "You okay?" he asked stiffly. "He didn't hit you, did he?"

"No, I'm fine," she replied faintly, watching Seamus with wide eyes. "Er…why did…why did you hit him?"

Seamus looked at Flint, who was nursing a bloody nose, with boyish dislike. "He was going to hit you, wasn't he?" he asked, slightly surprised she didn't know why. "I can't _stand_ people who hit the defenseless. Not that you're defenseless," he added, eyeing the wand she held limply. "Are you _sure_ you're okay?"

She nodded, then gave him a smile he'd never seen her use before; it softened her appearance and brought a sparkle to her eyes. "Thanks to you, yeah. Are _you_ okay?"

"I think I broke my hand," he admitted with a sheepish grin. "It hurt—a lot. It was worth it, though."

"I could've taken the hit, you know that, right?"

"Of course I do."

"Okay. I just didn't want you to think I was some 'damsel in distress' that can't take care of herself."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time you're in mortal danger," he replied, slinging an arm around her shoulders.

She swatted at him. "Oh, ha, ha."

And they went to join the celebrations.


	9. Another Sirius Black Attack

Since the upcoming Quidditch game had sapped the girls' abilities to concentrate on lessons, they stayed up late Saturday night after the post-game party to work on overdue homework. The other Gryffindors had gone to bed nearly an hour before, so it was dead silent in the common room, except for an isolated yawn and the scratching of quills.

The girls had been dozing illegally at just about three o'clock, when Tanya snapped awake and poked the three other girls up, too. "Do you hear that?" she asked sleepily.

They nodded fearfully, for a bloodcurdling _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_ was coming from the boys' dorm. Suddenly, down the stairs tore a filthy-haired man in tattered clothes. He dashed through the common room, threw open the portrait hole that was guarded by Sir Cadogan, and fled, leaving four rather confused girls in his wake.

"Are you _sure_ you weren't dreaming, Ron?" Harry asked as he, Ron, Seamus, Neville, and Dean skidded to a halt in the common room a minute later.

"I'm telling you, I saw him!"

"What's all the noise?" Katelyn asked groggily.

"Professor McGonagall told us to go to bed!" Lavender said indignantly, coming down the steps like a beauty queen.

"Excellent, are we carrying on?" Fred asked brightly, coming down too.

"Everyone back upstairs," Percy said in a rushed voice.

"Perce—Sirius Black!" Ron said with a white face. "In our dormitory! With a knife! Woke me up!"

Rachel gasped, and everyone froze to look at Ron.

"Nonsense!" Percy said dismissively, but nevertheless looked rather startled. "You had too much to eat, Ron—had a nightmare—"

"I'm telling you—"

"Now, really, enough's enough!" Everyone spun around to see Professor McGonagall storm through the portrait hole. "I am delighted that Gryffindor won the match, but this is getting ridiculous!" she said furiously. "Percy, I expected better of you."

"I certainly didn't authorize this, Professor," Percy replied. "I was just telling them all to get back to bed! My brother Ron here had a nightmare—"

"IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE!" Ron shouted. "PROFESSOR, I WOKE UP, AND SIRIUS BLACK WAS STANDING OVER ME, HOLDING A KNIFE!"

Professor McGonagall blinked. "Don't be ridiculous, Weasley, how could he possibly have gotten through the portrait hole?"

"Ask him!" Ron said furiously, pointing at Sir Cadogan. "Ask him if he saw—"

McGonagall went to the other side of Sir Cadogan's picture. "Sir Cadogan, did you just let a man enter Gryffindor Tower?"

"Certainly, good lady!"

Complete and utter silence fell over the common room.

"You—you _did_?" McGonagall gasped. "But—but the password!"

"He had 'em! Had the whole week's, my lady! Read 'em off a little piece of paper!"

McGonagall came back, looking white as chalk. "Which person, which abysmally foolish person wrote down this week's passwords and left them _lying around_!"

Poor, scrawny Neville Longbottom stepped out from the crowd with his trembling hand raised.

"Come with me, Mr. Longbottom," McGonagall said firmly. "We have to see the Headmaster at once."

"Professor?"

Everyone turned to look as Rachel stood up, too. "What is it, Miss Hekman?" McGonagall snapped.

"I saw Black leave the dormitory. He exited the portrait hole and went down the corridor, then turned left." She was white, too. "I would've stopped him, Professor, but I didn't know who he was."

"Very well, Miss Hekman," McGonagall said. "Thank you for telling me." She and Neville left the common room, and Rachel sat down hard, shaking head to foot.

Gradually, everyone drifted over to get seats that weren't too uncomfortable, and slowly eased into quiet chatter. The castle would be searched, they knew for sure, but the thought of an escaped, vengeful murderer loose in your school is not soothing in the least. No one went to bed.

"Are you okay?" Rachel and Katelyn asked Ron as he moved slowly toward the fire.

"Yeah," he replied. "Can't say the same about my bed curtains, though."

They laughed uncomfortably, and Seamus and Dean soon joined them. The poor boys looked like little lost puppies, all pale and scared-looking, and the Funny Farm did what friends do best—comforted and stuck by each other, and their friendship grew all the more for it.

-----------------

_A/N: Sorry for the über-short chapter, but when Schmo and Schmurf and I (Sushi) were writing this story up on paper, Schmo, who does not like to pay attention to the real Harry Potter books as much as Schmurf and I do (stupid girl), forgot to put in this teeny bit about Sirius Black attacking! ;) So I threw it together just now, and in order to keep the original length of the book, I made it a chapter of its own._

_Just kidding, Schmo, I still lurve ya! Even though you still have the leggings I lent you, and the sequel to May Mandos Be Merciful, which you've had since before Christmas. Hint, hint. ))_


	10. Brawling

"Guys?"

Rachel, Hannah, Katelyn, and Tanya all turned around at the tremulous voice. "Oh, my gosh, Shelby, what's the matter?"

The blonde's pixie-like face was blotchy and streaked with tears, and her hair hung in her eyes. "Draco…Draco broke up with me."

At first, no one knew whether to jump up and down in delight or tell her they were sorry. When Shelby burst into tears, however, they made up their minds in an instant.

"Oh, Shelby, I'm so sorry," Katelyn said, putting her arms around her friend.

Shelby just bawled into Katelyn's shoulder as Tanya, Hannah, and Rachel put their arms around her, too. "I liked him so much!"

What she said next was drowned out by loud laughter. Walking down the hall toward them was the Slytherin Quidditch team and their cronies. They were walking in a big clot, and the girls could see other students from different Houses bobbing impatiently behind them.

"You should've seen her face when I told her to get lost!" Malfoy was saying. He made a horrid, yet oddly accurate, imitation of a wide-eyed Shelby, and the Slytherins burst out laughing.

_"You!"_ Rachel growled. She disentangled herself from the knot of arms and positioned herself squarely in front of Malfoy.

Seamus and Dean, who had managed to duck out of the crowd, looked on in horror. "What is she _doing_?" Dean asked as Rachel crossed her arms defiantly.

"Ssh," Katelyn said.

"Out of my way, Mudblood," Malfoy spat, looking her up and down.

Rachel made to slap him across the face, but he simply sneered at her. "Are you really going to _slap_ me, Hekman?" he drawled lazily as the Slytherins snickered.

Rachel, who had her hand raised above her shoulder, bit her lip. She dropped her arm. "You're right, Draco. I can't slap you."

So she punched him.

Draco tripped backwards and landed hard on the flagstones; a bruise was already forming under his eye. Rachel raised her hand to strike again, but was drawn up short.

"Let go, Finnigan," she snarled, trying to work her hand free.

He got a firmer grip on her wrist. "Calm down, Su."

Marcus Flint was helping Draco back to his feet. Malfoy's ash-blonde hair was falling out of its perfect coif, and the brilliantly purple bruise under his eye gave the impression that he was wearing an eye patch. "Mudblood bitch!" he spat.

Rachel's hand came free, and she flew at him.

------------------------------

"Ow!"

"Hold still, girl," Madam Pomfrey snapped, trying to dab smoking orange paste on a dark blue bruise that graced Rachel's chin.

"Ew," Rachel moaned, clenching her jaw as Madam Pomfrey continued to spread the paste over half her face. Madam Pomfrey soon dropped the spatula she was using into the empty container and moved on to Hannah.

Over from the next table, Seamus grinned at Rachel despite a split lip. "Bloody brilliant, Sushi."

She looked dryly at him over an ice pack that she had pressed against her cheek. "You think seventy-five points from Gryffindor for brawling is _brilliant_?"

He shrugged, a mischievous glint in his eye. "No, but punching Malfoy was. It was great! You were just like _bam_ and he was like _mommy!_"

She blinked at Seamus' enthusiasm. "Wow. Thanks! But…you did the most damage."

"Well, yeah," Seamus admitted with a glance toward the moaning Malfoy in the next bed. "…but you took the brunt of his force."

Rachel snickered. "You call that force?" She touched the tender skin on her cheek nonetheless.

At this time, Dean came over and sat on the bed next to her. "Hey."

Seamus stared at his friend. "You got away scot-free! Bloody hell, Dean, you don't have a scratch on you!"

Dean slung an arm around his girlfriend's shoulders with a self-satisfied grin. "What can I say? I'm magnificent."

Much to the chagrin of everyone present, Dean turned to Rachel and leaned in, but, unexpectedly, Rachel slipped out from under his arm and busied herself with arranging the books more neatly in her bag.

Seamus cleared his throat and quickly changed the subject.

-----------------------

(A/N: Woo! Another super-short chapter! I'm really sorry about this, but it just…happened!)


	11. The Quidditch Cup

The next few weeks were just plain nasty to the whole of the Funny Farm. Oliver Wood was completely obsessed with the upcoming Quidditch final (who wasn't?), they all had two detentions each for their fight in the corridor, and Rachel had Quidditch practice every night—and, last but not least, she ended her unpleasant relationship with Dean.

The rest of the Funny Farm discovered this the night before the big match; Rachel was curled up in front of the fire doing homework, and Dean was slouched in a big armchair, glowering darkly at anyone who dared come near.

"What is your _problem_, Dean?" Hannah finally asked in exasperation.

He muttered something incomprehensible.

"What?" Katelyn asked blankly.

Rachel gave a haughty sniff and arranged some sheaves of parchment into a neat pile on the floor. "Oh, he's just ticked off that I broke up with him."

It took a minute for this news to sink in.

_"Why?_" Seamus asked incredulously.

"Well," Rachel replied, setting down her quill and looking up at them all, "I just don't like him like that anymore. It's not that I don't like him _at all_, it's just…I don't think I ever _did_ like you like that, Dean."

He made a noise that sounded vaguely like a 'harrumph'.

"I mean, briefly…" Rachel trailed off thoughtfully. "After we went out—well, never mind. Oh, don't look so angry. You were the first guy I ever got a crush on here! Well, unless you count Cedric Diggory."

_"Cedric Diggory?"_  
Rachel blushed. "Beginning of second year. And…middle…and end."

Seamus was about to say something when Oliver stood up and bellowed, "Team! Bed!"

Without another word, Rachel gathered her things and went upstairs.

----------------------

"Don't talk to me."

Oliver glared at Rachel. "I'm the captain, Hekman, and I _will_ talk to you."

"Whatever you say just makes me more nervous."

Wood noted the way his Beater was gripping the bat and silently agreed. "Well, whatever you do out there, _aim for Malfoy_."

This seemed to cheer Rachel up a little as they went out onto the pitch. She even waved at her friends who were warming up their pom-poms on the north end of the field as Wood and Flint shook hands.

"Mount your brooms! Three…two…one…."

Fred and Rachel shot off to the opposite ends of the pitch. Rachel hovered high above the Gryffindor goalposts, keeping an eye on Harry and Malfoy, and Fred drifted around near the Slytherin posts.

"And it's Gryffindor in possession, Alicia Spinnet of Gryffindor with the Quaffle, heading straight for the Slytherin goalposts, looking good, Alicia! Argh, no—Quaffle intercepted by Warrington, Warrington of Slytherin tearing up the field—WHAM! —nice Bludger work there by George—er, Fred Weasley, Warrington drops the Quaffle, it's caught by—Johnson, Gryffindor back in possession, come on, Angelina—nice swerve around Montague—_duck, Angelina, that's a Bludger!_ —SHE SCORES! TEN-ZERO TO GRYFFINDOR!"

Rachel let out an excited whoop and celebrated by nearly knocking Slytherin Chaser Montague off his broom with a Bludger. Her joy was short-lived, however, when Flint smashed into Alicia Spinnet.

"What a—" Rachel was too angry to finish her sentence, but flew at him in a rage.

Fred grabbed her broom's tail. "Oy, Hekman, that'll do you no good—here, let me show you how maturely this can be handled." So he chucked his bat at the back of Flint's head, sending the Chaser's nose smashing into the handle of his broom.

"That will do!" Madam Hooch shrieked, puffing fiercely on her whistle. "Penalty shot to Gryffindor for an unprovoked attack on their Chaser! Penalty shot to Slytherin for deliberate damage to _their_ Chaser!"

"Come on, Angelina!" Rachel cried, doing quick circles over the Gryffindor crowd in her excitement.

_"Yes! She's beaten the Keeper! Twenty-zero to Gryffindor!"_

Rachel nearly slipped off her broom in her joy. But suddenly, to her absolute horror, her wand slipped out of her pocket and fell to the stands, where it was lost in the sea of scarlet and gold. She swore loudly, but it was too late, for Oliver had blocked the Slytherin's penalty and the game resumed.

Which was rather unfortunate for the Gryffindor players, since Slytherin was playing their dirtiest game in years. Bole bashed Alicia in the side of the head, insisting that she was a Bludger. Fred got Bole in the face with a Bludger. Bole kicked Rachel's broom mid-swerve, nearly knocking her off, and she barely avoided a nasty fall into the Hufflepuff crowd twenty feet below by grabbing onto the handle of her broom at the last moment.

"Up you get," Fred said, helping her back onto her broom.

Madam Hooch swooped up. "Penalty to Gryffindor for spiteful injury to their Chaser and malicious endangerment of their Beater! Penalty to _Slytherin_ for spiteful injury to _their_ Beater!""

They were forty points up—fifty—sixty—penalty to Slytherin—fifty—sixty—

_"AND HARRY POTTER'S GOT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!_"

Rachel was the first to throw her arms around Harry's neck, but the rest of the team wasn't far behind. They sank to the ground in a haze of joy, where the rest of their Housemates, and even the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who were overjoyed that the Slytherins hadn't won the Cup, joined them.

_Truly,_ Rachel thought, _truly this_ is _the best school ever._

--------------------------

A/N: _Another _short chapter! I am truly sorry.


	12. Exams and TWISTER?

_(A/N: Sorry it's been so long since we've updated. But it really isn't my fault, because Schmo's had the notebook with all the longhand pages in it since Christmas. I didn't have anything to type up! She also has the sequel to May Mandos Be Merciful. -sigh- Hence, this will be another short chapter, but the next chapter will be very long—and, hopefully, a good conclusion!)_

------------------------------------

"You _lost_ your _wand_?"

Despite the festive atmosphere, Rachel looked rather depressed. "Yeah…I dropped it when Alicia got the first penalty."

Hannah and Katelyn fell silent, and the laughter and shouts of delight from the celebrating Gryffindors tugged at them.

"Come on," Seamus said, bounding over, a bottle of butterbeer in one hand and a Gryffindor pennant in the other. "You're a Beater, Hekman, and you're missing all the fun."

"I can't, Finnigan," Rachel replied unhappily. "I've got to figure out what to do…"

"'Bout what?" he asked blankly.

"I lost my wand during the game—and I haven't _got_ ten Galleons to buy a new one. Oh, Seamus, my parents are going to _kill_ me! With uber-sharp pickaxes and bloody knives!"

He raised an eyebrow, causing wrinkles to form in his scarlet and gold face paint. Then a look of realization dawned on his face, and he rummaged around in his pocket, finally drawing out what looked like a long stick. "Is this it?"

Rachel gaped at the wand he held in his hand. "How…what…where…"

He grinned. "It hit me on the head when you dropped it, I'm guessing."

Rachel gave a shriek of delight and flung her arms around his neck. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!" she cried, squeezing him exuberantly.

"'Twasn't no problem," he said bashfully.

She looked at him with a glowing face, then suddenly reached up and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "I don't know how I can ever pay you back."

"I think you already did," Katelyn said mischievously, and ducked a flying butterbeer bottle.

--------------

Final exams came soon than everyone expected. The library, Great Hall, and all the common rooms were perpetually packed with students studying, including all of the Funny Farm members.

"I am losing my mind!" Tanya shrieked suddenly one night, throwing down her quill.

"You said it, Sharkbait," Hannah said with a sigh. "We learned a _lot_ this year, and now we're expected to actually _remember_ it all."

"We need to take a break," Rachel said, and folded her notes into a Muggle folder. Everyone nodded.

"We need to loosen up," Katelyn added.

Suddenly, Hannah got a devilish grin on her face. "We should play _Twister_!" she cried. The other female Funny Farm members squealed with enthusiasm, so Hannah ran upstairs to fetch the game.

When she came back, Katelyn took it upon herself to set it up while their classmates who hadn't been brought up Muggle looked on in disgust. "Eugh," Lavender Brown said, looking at the box, which depicted a group of Muggle kids all twisted around each other on the mat.

"Please don't tell me this is how you play," Seamus groaned.

"Actually, it is," Rachel replied. "I really stink at it, but hey, it's still fun!"

"Oh, God," Dean said in revulsion, and Rachel punched him hard.

"Come on, Dean, it'll be fun," Hannah pleaded, tugging at his shirt.

"Ugh, no," Dean snapped, yanking his shirt from her grasp.

"Fine!" Hannah said shrilly. "Go work on your homework, we don't care!"

Dean gave her a look full of extreme dislike and went to his dormitory. Seamus looked ready to follow him, but three pairs of hands grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him back toward the mat.

"I don't even know how to play," he said grumpily, looking with abhorrence at the shiny, multicolored sheet of plastic.

"It's self-explanatory," Rachel replied, taking off her shoes and socks. "Stand here."

"Why?"

"It says so in the rules," she said patiently, and led Seamus to his spot.

Tanya leapt up to take the spinner from Katelyn. "Players, take your positions."

Katelyn and Hannah went to stand on the remaining red dots.

Tanya, who was taking the job of Spinner much too seriously, raised her hand and flicked the dial. "Left foot, blue."

"Left hand, yellow."

"Right foot, yellow."

"Right hand, red."

"Left foot, green."

Katelyn was the first one out. She got off the mat with a scowl, and the game continued.

"Left hand, blue."

"Right foot, red."

"This is rather awkward," Rachel said finally, giving voice to the concern everyone present was feeling. Hannah was curled up nearly in a knot under Seamus, who was surprisingly flexible but was still stretched like London Bridge over the mat. Rachel's fate was tied to both Hannah and Seamus, as Hannah's arm was twisted around her leg and Seamus' leg was stuck in the crook of her elbow. If any one of them moved a muscle, they'd all fall.

Katelyn leapt up with a quill and advanced upon the quivering knot of people. "Katelyn, don't—!" Hannah shrieked, but it was too late. She reached out with the feathery end of the quill and stuck it in Seamus' ear.

Seamus gave a shout of laughter and lost his grip. Katelyn walked away, grinning, from the groaning pile of ex-Twister players.


	13. Do I Hear Wedding Bells?

Exam week. Well. What can be said about it? Nothing much, except Tanya had a nervous breakdown after her Transfiguration exam; Rachel's cheering charm went awry and Seamus was high for two whole days; Professor Lupin resigned amid rumors that he was a werewolf; Dean's Potions exam literally blew up in his face; Hannah nearly got hypothermia out on the Astronomy tower; Katelyn got in the way of a practicing seventh year and walked around for several hours with a thumb the size of a pencil case; and Rachel accidentally knocked all of her notes into the Gryffindor common room fire.

Well, despite all these mishaps, everybody scraped by with 'A's and 'O's, except Dean, who got a 'P' on his Potions exam.

And then, school was over.

On the very last day of term, however, immediately following their exam result papers, the seventh years' graduation ceremony began. Since Haley and Oliver were seventh years, the entire Funny Farm was invited.

Professor Dumbledore held up his hands for silence. "Welcome," he said, "to the commencement ceremony of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's 354th graduating class."

The Great Hall broke out in applause as the one hundred and one graduating students rose from their seats in acknowledgement.

"Yes, well done, graduates, well done, graduates," Dumbledore said, clapping his hands together as well. "Now, I know how anxious you all are to get this over with so you can celebrate your newly-gained freedom, so I'll make this as brief as possible. If Professor Minerva McGonagall would join me, please…thank you, Professor…we shall now begin the awarding of the certificates of graduation."

"Diplomas," Rachel said under her breath.

"Now, graduates," Dumbledore continued, "when your name is called, kindly ascend the dais here on the left to receive your certificate of graduation—"

"Diploma!" Rachel hissed.

"—shake mine and Professor McGonagall's hands, descend the dais on the right, and resume your seats.

"Shall we begin, then, Professor McGonagall?"

McGonagall waved her wand, and a table laden with scarlet, blue, green, and yellow folders drifted onto the dais. She unrolled a scroll of parchment, cleared her throat, and called out, "Melissa Abernathy, Hufflepuff House."

The Funny Farm made it all the way through to "Darley," "Dowling," and "Drayton" before finally losing any trace of interest they might have possibly possessed. Hannah began gauging the time between now and Haley's turn; Rachel switched off her senses and began formulating the next chapter of her book entirely in her head; Tanya was trying to remember if she had packed her Gryffindor socks; Katelyn was reminding herself to finish the "Holy Grail" movie on the way back to King's Cross; Dean was wondering why he was even there in the first place, since he hardly knew Haley or Oliver; and Seamus was hoping his Kenmare Kestrels poster hadn't ripped in his trunk.

Before they knew it, "Chad Sahel, Ravenclaw House" was walking off the platform, and McGonagall called,

"Haley Schreiter, Gryffindor House."

The Funny Farm raised such a commotion in the back of the hall with their uproarious cheering and whistling that several people turned around to stare.

"Our dear Snoodles is graduating," Tanya sniffed. She suddenly turned to Hannah and promptly squeezed the stuffing out of her.

Poor Hannah had no time to reply, for McGonagall was already into the 'W's.

"Percival Weasley, Gryffindor House, Hogwarts Head Boy."

"Hurrah!" Seamus said cheerfully, clapping loudly. "He's _finally_ graduated!"

"Oliver Wood, Gryffindor House, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain."

Rachel stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled shrilly (a trick Seamus had taught her) and Katelyn led the others in an energetic round of "Fight, fight, Gryffindor, fight, fight, Gryffindor!"

But Haley outshone them all. She proudly stood up and practically crowed, "That's my Ollie-bear!"

Hannah, personally, would've been mortified by such an outburst, but Oliver gave her sister such a special smile that time and place didn't seem to apply to them at all! Then he took his seat, and the ceremony continued.

"Please welcome our 354th graduating class valedictorian, Juliet Dickerson," Dumbledore said as Juliet came up onto the dais with an ominously thick stack of index cards and began her speech.

Meanwhile, in the front row, Oliver was fidgeting almost uncontrollably in his seat next to Haley. His right leg bounced up and down nervously while his left hand anxiously tapped on the opposite knee. His right hand, however, was stuffed into his pocket and clenched in a tight fist. But his jumpy behavior was immediately stilled when he felt Haley's hand on his shoulder.

"Oliver, please sit still," she whispered in his ear. "This is the last time we're ever going to be here together as students again. Let's try to make the most of it, okay?"

"Don't worry, Haley, I will," he replied with a shaky smile.

Just then, Juliet finally finished her lengthy speech, and the Great Hall suddenly looked lively again as Dumbledore resumed his place on the dais, stealthily slipping his pocket watch back into his robes. "Thank you, Juliet, for that…_remarkable _speech.

"Now," he continued, "without any further ado, I present to you all the 354th graduating class of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wiz—"

"Just a moment, Professor Dumbledore," Oliver shouted, jumping to his feet. "Oh, don't look at me like that, Haley," he added in a whisper. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Professor," he went on in a normal voice, "but there's something I have to say before this is all over. If I have your permission to continue…"

"Yes, my boy, of course," Dumbledore told him. "I only wish you had said something sooner so we could have worked you into the program. But please, continue."

In the back of the Great Hall, Hannah heaved a great sigh of relief. "For a moment there," she whispered to Rachel, "I was afraid that Dumbledore would try to take away Oliver's diploma and hold him back another year for that outburst."

"Good thing he didn't," Rachel whispered back. "Snoodles' heart would have been broken! Plus, I would've been stuck with him as Quidditch Captain and Big Pain for _another_ year." She shuddered.

"Quiet, you guys," Katelyn hissed. "Oliver's getting ready to talk."

"Hey, everyone," he began haltingly. "My name's Ol—Oliver Wood, and I am—was—the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain."

"And a bloody fine one, too!" Rachel shouted, much to the amusement of everyone present.

"Thanks, Hekman," Oliver said with a proud grin. "She's one of my Beaters, see, only part of this year's excellent team—we won the Cup this year, after a really first-rate match—"

Dumbledore coughed pointedly.

"Right," Oliver said sheepishly, clearing his throat. "Anyway, that position as Captain has taught me leadership, and the team—best bloody team this side of the equator, just to let you know—has taught me the value of teamwork and friendship. I've made some great friends here, never minding the fact that a lot of them are younger than me. My Seeker and one of my Beaters are actually third years. But anyway, they've all made me realize the importance of being a good friend, but a good leader, as well.

"And then there's Haley," Oliver continued, gesturing for her to join him on the dais. When she had, he threw an arm around her waist and flashed a bright grin. "Haley's been my steady girlfriend for about three years now—"

"Three years, two months, and a day," Haley said quickly.

"Y—yes, dear. Three years, two months, and a day. She's taught me the value—no, actually, the necessity—of true love. She's even shown me that there really _is_ more to life than Quidditch. Yeah, I know—shocker, isn't it? Anyway, she's put up with me when I desperately needed help studying—more than once, I tell you."

Haley's cheeks turned bright red.

"Haley," Oliver said, looking fondly at her, "I have my whole life in front of me. I've got a job with a professional Quidditch team, and amazing friends who have promised to stay in touch, _which I'm sure they will._"

Rachel gulped.

"But something is still missing," Oliver continued, growing serious again. "Haley, I have a question for you."

"Okay," she breathed.

Oliver slipped his hand into his pocket and lowered himself to one knee.

"Oliver, what are you _doing_?" she squeaked.

"Haley Schreiter," Oliver said clearly, "I love you more than life itself, and even for this Quidditch-obsessed fool, my life will never be complete without you. _Will you marry me?_"

He then withdrew a small box from his pocket and opened it to reveal a sparkling diamond ring.

Haley could only gape soundlessly at him for a moment, then burst out, "Yes! Yes, Oliver, I will marry you!"

The Great Hall suddenly erupted in thunderous applause as Oliver, grinning broadly, scooped Haley up in his arms and gave her a passionate, heartfelt kiss. Deciding that now was the opportune moment, the entire Funny Farm ran up and hugged the couple fiercely, overflowing with blessings and congratulations.

"Who could ask for a better ending?" McGonagall said, her eyes gone misty as she watched Oliver slip the ring onto his new fiancée's finger.

"No, Professor," Haley countered, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks. "This is the perfect beginning!"

The End 

_(A/N: So? What did you think? Good? Bad? Well, I liked it. So stay tuned for _The Funny Farm and the Goblet of Fire, _coming soon!)_


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